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teapartygurl's Journal
20 most recent entries

Date:2009-01-10 00:14
Subject:What happened to 2008?
Mood: grateful

Crazy how the time flies. I forgot all about this little journal. So much has happened since i last posted. So much in my life has changed. 2 puppies, a nephew, a new job, a house, a cute boy (ok, he might have been around then).

Funny how looking back at some of the posts I made over the years. So much uncertainty and questioning of everything. I'm not that girl anymore. Well..I'm her, but so much more settled and sure of my self and my choices. I'm settled but I don't feel 'settled' like I thought I might. Not like everything is slowing down in my life and I'm now over the hill. I feel like there is so much more to come. So many things to see and do in my life. (I can't really say what they all are yet but I know they are there waiting to be discovered).

I'm going to Africa in March with Chris. I'm pretty sure this will be the adventure of a lifetime. I think it will be an incredible journey and not just in the travelling sense, but perhaps in a growing sense. I feel like I've grown with every trip I've ever taken and I expect this will be the same. This will be the first time I've taken a trip with someone else. I've never flown anywhere with someone I know so I'm excited to have someone to share it all with and of course, I don't think there is a better travel companion out there for me. Chris has gone over so many books and websites and emails to make sure that we are seeing everything we want to and doing everything we want to. This trip could very well be a defining moment in my life. I'm sure when my wrinkles have settled in and my curls have gone gray, I will look back on this trip and it will bring a smile to my lips. I don't care if it rains every day I'm there (I hope not but...) I will get to experience something that not everyone is fortunate enough to have the opportunity to do. I'm going to be 5 feet (or less)away from a mountain gorilla in the Bwindi forest. I will see the Nile. I will trek chimpanzees through the Kibale forest. I will see elephants at a watering hole. I will spend one day working at an orphanage and maybe teach a child something (although, I'm sure they will teach me far more than I would ever be able to give back). I will hold a chimpanzee as we walk through the forest.

I can't wait. It's going to be incredible.

Lying on the grass now
Dancing for the stars
Maybe one will look down and tell us who we are
-Ryan Star

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Date:2007-02-04 21:15
Subject:It's been a while...
Mood: okay

I just realized how long it has been since I last posted on here. Time has seemed to fly by me. Things have been fantastic and sad all at the same time. It seems like when one thing in my life finally falls into place that something else has to fall out. For the most part, I can't complain. I have a man who loves me completely. In all my craziness, in all my phases of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, in all my sadness. It's unconditional. It's rare. It's amazing.
I guess I can't expect everyone to understand the changes that I've gone through lately. I'm evolving. It hasn't been an over night change but I definitely feel like I've found the road to becoming that person that I one day hope to be. That person that has endless patience. That person who isn't always in control of everything. That person that can forgive more easily. I feel like I've had walls up for so long now that maybe the people in my life don't think they can ever get passed them. Like I won't get a second chance. I know things work out the way they are supposed to. Just sometimes, waiting can be hard.
I'm going to start playing ice hockey here. I think it will be good for me to get back into some type of organized sport. I really miss playing ball hockey in Barrie. I think it will be good for me. A chance to meet some new people here in Ottawa. Get some exercise and maybe get my energy level back up. It seems like I have slowed down a lot lately. I don't like it.
I know I'll get where I need to go. I know it's gonna take some time. I know it's not going to be easy. Nothing worth having is easy.

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world

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Date:2006-09-17 17:03
Subject:How did I get here?
Mood: lonely

That feeling is starting. That feeling that I haven't had in so long. I'm a little nervous that when he gets back I'll fall into my usual pattern and push him away. All I know is that I miss him so much right now. I didn't think it would hit me this hard. I hope things will be different this time around. I hope this is the start of something beautiful. I wonder if I've been on his mind. I wonder if he's missing me as much as I'm missing him.
God I hope I can keep this feeling alive. I don't want to keep running. I want to fall this time. I can't believe I still have a week to wait for him. Today that feels like forever from now.
Come home soon. I miss you more than you can know.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

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Date:2006-08-29 19:37
Subject:It's a problem...
Mood: melancholy

I'm having a hard time sleeping. I've never had a hard time sleeping before but I am now. I wake up around 4 am every single night/morning. It's making life difficult. It's making work difficult. I feel out of it. I was talking to a pharmacist at work and she tells me that around 4 am is what professionals call the worry hour. I don't feel worried though.
I'm also having a hard time with food. I love to eat but lately nothing appeals to me. My favourite foods don't get my attention and I feel like lately I'm eating only because I have to not because I want to.
I'm not liking the direction things are going, I'm just not sure how to change it. Sometimes I feel great but more and more I feel like I'm moving in a direction that pushes me away from everything I know. It's a little hard here because I don't feel like I have one person I can turn to and completely trust... I guess in a way I've never had that though. I feel like it's me against the world. Whether or not I'm really as alone as I feel it doesn't matter because it's how I feel inside. I know I have people I can turn to for certain things but I don't have that one person I trust without hesitation. I don't have a single person in my life that I can just be myself around, I'm a hundred different versions of myself but not my whole self. It's hard to keep being what people want you to be. It's hard to put on different masks for different people. I feel scattered. Little pieces of me everywhere. It's just hard.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

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Date:2006-08-20 00:20
Subject:The harder I try...
Mood: rejected

My vacation was what I needed. It was time away from Ottawa. I felt weird coming back. I feel weird most days so I'm not sure what the difference is.
I'm not sure what my expectations are of situations here in Ottawa. I do know how I feel though. I'm torn between feeling left out and feeling like I'm pushing people away. I feel like I'm on such a rollercoaster.

I'm going to Europe for two weeks. I'm flying to Berlin and then travelling to Holland and maybe even Belgium. I'm flying alone and meeting my oldest friend over there. I'll be doing part of the travelling alone which scares me but I think it will be good for me. I think it will show me that I'm capable of more than I think. There is so much that I want to do and see while I'm there. I find that when I have something like this to look forward to then the days are a little more bearable for me.

I need some sleep. It hasn't been coming easily to me these past few nights. Maybe tonight...

I understand that everyone goes disappearing
Into the greater grey that covers over everyday
And hovers in the distance...
I've been up all night
I might sleep all day
Get your dreams just right
Then let 'em slip away
I might sleep all day...
-Counting Crows

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Date:2006-07-23 12:03
Subject:Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Mood: groggy

It hardly even feels like a weekend when I'm only get Sunday off. It isn't much of a break when you have to spend your one say off doing laundry and getting groceries for the week ahead. I won't complain though because I do have 10 days off starting August 4th. There are four things I will be doing this trip...
1. swimming
2. going to london to visit my granparents
3. getting the brakes re-done on my car
4. going to Toronto to visit my friend that time could never forget (yes you!)

That's all the plans I have made. I haven't thought about much else but I'm sure I'll find things to do. Perhaps a trip to the zoo. A trip to the Beach. I don't know.

I've given up on the future for now. I have no idea where I'll be in my life and I can't spend time worrying about it. Before I know it I'll be there, or it will be here.
I have reached that point in my life now. The point where it seems all my friends are married, on their way to being married, or atleast in coupledom. I guess it was inevitable. It's a little hard to take and it's making me feel a little lonely for the first time in a long time. The hardest part is still not being able to commit to anything in my own life. If I could just get over that. If only it were that easy.
I need to get away from this computer today. I need to...I don't even know anymore...

I'm standing on the bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound
Isn't anyone trying to find me
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm with you
-Avril Lavigne

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Date:2006-06-21 13:34
Subject:Well hello there...
Mood: good

Some things to write:

*My toe hurts like crazy. I cut it up and sprained it on a tent peg while volunteering at the Ottawa Air Show.

*I am crazy lusting for one Taylor Hicks. Crazy I know.

*Commitments freak me out. Really freak me out. I want no part of them and this is starting to cause problems.

*Big Brother All Stars starts tonight. Kinda excited about that.

*I want a dog super bad. Preferably a chocolate lab although as time goes on I'm less picky about it.

*I have a week off work in August that I'm so looking forward to.

That's it. That's all I got for today.

Oh the salt inside my body ruins everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holding up my head
Oh I'm so tired of looking at my feet
And all the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin' by a thread, hangin' by a thread

-Jann Arden

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Date:2006-05-24 00:54
Subject:Another day, another dollar...
Mood: hungry

It's late and I'm still awake. I'd rather be in bed but I forgot about my laundry this weekend and then I realized that all my shirts for work were in my dirty laundry pile.
I was going to put a movie in but I realized that I'd probably just fall asleep and forget about the laundry.
I don't really want to go to work tomorrow. I guess no one really ever wants to go to work. Yet we all still go. I guess it's because we like getting paid. Yet we don't like paying bills. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.
I found some trips that I want to look into. Kind of guided tour type things. Could be a neat way to see some things. They aren't really super touristy type things but more to see things with someone who knows where they are going. Could be worth a look and maybe a good way to travel if I find that I have no one to go with.
I'm still unsure about what I want to do. I don't know if I should buy a house or if I want to travel. So many choices.
I hear the dryer. I'm going to bed.

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Date:2006-05-17 23:33
Mood: tired

I don't want to grow up anymore. Everything is changing at a ridiculous pace and I can't keep up anymore.

It's pouring outside. That's all I can hear is the rain bouncing off the roof and windows.

I shouldn't complain. I am grateful for everyday I get but tonight I just feel like crying. Let the tears fall out like raindrops from the sky.

And maybe tomorrow things will feel different.
I won't feel so sad.

I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong

-Goo Goo Dolls

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Date:2006-04-17 21:36
Subject:Back in Ottawa...
Mood: contemplative

Here I am back in Ottawa after a weekend at home. I'm having a hard time with things when I go home. It leaves me confused in all kinds of ways. It makes me wonder what I should be doing. It makes me think about all the options I have before me and what direction I should head in. At the same time that my head is filled with possibility I feel completely lost. Like I don't really belong anywhere. I feel like I'm living my life out of two places. LIke I can't really settle here in Ottawa because half my stuff is still back home. And it makes me want to buy a house here so I can fully move here but I'm not ready to do that because I feel like I am not ready to settle.
All these feelings of feeling unsettled. I can't do anything in my life until I make some decsions. I can't make any decisions until I know what I want. I don't know what I want. I wish I did.
I know I sound like a big ball of confusion right now. I'm sure if I was to read this back to myself, I wouldn't even know what I was trying to say...
I was crying on my long drive home today. Just for no reason. I just started to cry. I know I won't always feel this way. It's just hard for me to see myself in a time where things aren't as confusing.

Everything must change and so it does
Everything that’s good inside of us
Every fading hope will find its way
Every dying wish will see the light of day
-Jann Arden

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Date:2006-04-02 11:54
Subject:On the right path... maybe
Mood: listless

I'm really not sure where my life is headed. I don't think any of us do. Some people might have a better idea than others but no one really knows for sure. I try and take comfort in that idea, that we are all somewhat lost in this great big world. Hoping for one thing but knowing that everything can change in an instant.
I feel a little out of sorts somedays and completely content others. That's life I suppose. It wouldn't be fun to be completely happy everyday cause you wouldn't know what happy was if that's all you felt.
I'm having some family over for dinner tonight. I hope it goes well. I hope they like it. I'm not the greatest in the kitchen but I try.
I have a fear that grows inside of me as I grow up. I am terrified that I will die without having any other person really know me. I guess it would be my own fault since I haven't really let anyone see me completely. Maybe it's cause I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I've met people who I know I could trust but I still haven't let my guard down completely. Maybe I haven't met the right person. Maybe it's because I've become so accustomed to moving around all the time that I have become all these different versions of myself never really taking the time to just be. I've never really had a person in my life that has anchored me. Every person in my life has only seen my in certain stages or phases. Other than my parents and my brother, I've never had someone that's been with me through my whole life. I have no best friend. I have no one that knows me through all my ups and downs. It's why I don't feel tied down to anything and maybe why I have a hard time committing to anything. I guess I've just come to believe that everything and everyone will leave me at some point.
That's kind of a big revelation for me.

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride to let fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I want to cry
-Keith Urban

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Date:2006-03-26 02:00
Subject:Over my head
Mood: confused

I feel like March is flying by. I had a pretty expensive weekend so far. I had a new fuel tank installed in my car cause my old one was leaking. And after that I learned that my air conditioner conked out so that has to be fixed but since it's about $1000 I'll wait a little while.
Then I had to have my eyes checked out. So after paying for the checkup I then had to go get new glasses and new contacts.
I'm going to a spinning class at my gym tomorrow. Should be interesting. I just hope I can keep up.
I feel like I'm in a little over my head here in Ottawa. I feel like I've made some poor decisions here and I'm not all that sure how to fix it all. I feel like I'm playing with peoples emotions and feelings. I never meant to hurt anyone. I need to go backwards. Make a different choice. I know I can't though. Life has to be lived forward. I know everything will work itself out. No point in worrying about things. I just wish I didn't feel so bad.

I can't figure out for the life of me why some people even bother with me anymore. I'm so mixed up and confused that sometimes I don't even want to me around myself.

Is this forever
This feeling that I'm not
Moving at all
But I just can't stop
It's like I'm dreaming
And I'm wide awake too
Will you remember me
Cause I won't forget you

I guess I was saving my life for later
When maybe I should have been giving myself to you
Now I will, but I got to find out
Who I am before I do

When I find out who I am
I'm gonna know just what to do
When I pull myself together again
I'm gonna give myself to you

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Date:2006-03-09 22:21
Mood: aggravated

I wish I knew how to put into words how I'm feeling. Maybe then I could understand it more. I feel so angry inside and I have no idea what I'm so angry about. I feel frustrated. I wish I knew what was going on. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

So far so good 'cause no one knows I'm faking
I wish I could show you the toll it's taking

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Date:2006-03-07 00:12
Subject:Oh my!
Mood: sore

I'm on my third day of working out in a gym and I feel in much worse shape than I did when I started... I hope this gets easier at some point.

I feel silly tonight. Maybe it's because some sort of severe exhaustion is setting in. Maybe because it hurts to raise my arms over my head. Maybe it's just because I'm so tired of feeling sad and serious and lost. I just don't want to think about anything anymore. Not money. Not jobs. Not houses. Not boys. Not anything. Nothing. Zilch. Zip. Zero.

That's harder to do than it sounds.

At this moment I'd like nothing more than to be sitting on a deserted island with no worries. It would be warm. The weather would be awesome. I would have a chocolate lab puppy by my side. I'd have a tv thats hooked up to play hockey games and never ending new episodes of Felicity. Mr. John Cusack would show up to keep me company. I could keep in touch with friends and family by phone and email. People might call a lot at first and then the phone might be silent for days at a time. I'd start to be forgotten by time.

Dreams. Crazy little things. I love them. I love how possibilites seem endless. No one gets hurt. The imagination is a pretty powerful thing. Sometimes it's hard to make sure that it doesn't take hold of you and run. Cause sometimes when you come back down, nothing here seems quite as exciting.

I feel like I'm being held responsible for someone else's happiness. I feeli like I'm not allowed to just let things be. I feel guilty more and more. I can't always call and I don't want to. Maybe I'm not being honest with myself. Maybe I'm the problem. I always feel like the problem. I don't know what it is that's holding me back. Or holding on to me. Or holding me down. Frankly, I'm too tired to care anymore...

And if I always seem distracted
Like my mind is somewhere else
That's because it's true
Yes it's true
-Barenaked Ladies

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Date:2006-02-13 19:45
Subject:Aww geez...
Mood: sick

It's been a long two weeks. Just one thing after another with me not feeling well. Stiff neck, headaches, sore eyes, nauseous, light headed, swollen glands, no appetite, lost 10 pounds and now strep throat. I've never felt this bad before or for this long but hopefully now I'm on the mend.
I've felt such a range of emotions lately. So much confusion about relationships and the direction of my life. It's like I think I know what I want and then once I get it I'm not so sure that it's what I was looking for.
I'm horrible in relationships now. I'm not able to open up and give myself to someone. I don't know if its out of fear or if it's because I haven't found the right person. I've met guys who are everything I would look for and then do nothing but spend time pushing them away. I'm not afraid of being alone. I enjoy it but I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I want to be able to open up and enjoy somebody else being in my life. I know I've loved intensely in my love and I want to be able to do that again. Just sometimes it feels like I'll never be at that point again.
It's hard being away from home but I think it's good for me. I guess in a way I'm learning that I'm stronger than I thought and more capable than I thought and in some ways I'm learning that I'm more vulnerable than I thought. I'm learning that it's okay not to be able to do everything on your own. It's okay to struggle because you can learn more from your struggles than your victories.
I should rest my head.

Crosses all over, heavy on your shoulders
The sirens inside you waiting to step forward
Disturbing silence darkens your sight
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright for now
-Jose Gonzales

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Date:2006-01-08 11:09
Subject:Happy New Year!!
Mood: calm

2006...crazy. Where has the time gone. These past two months here in Ottawa have seemed to go by in a big blur. Hard to believe I've even been here that long.
It's funny when I look back in my journal to the entry I made after last New Years. I wrote about how I wanted to see new places, start new relationships and have new friendships. I wanted to take chances and risks and looking back I've done all of the above and them some.
This past year has been filled with all kinds of changes for me. When I get older I might look back and realize that it was a year that sort of began to define my future.

I stood last Januaury and watched my brother get married.
I travelled to England last May.
I lost my Aunt to cancer in May.
I watched a good friend take a big chance on boy in her life and move away.
I had my knee finally heal so I could play hockey.
I celebrated Canada Day on Parliament Hill.
I finally got a pool at my house.
I had my cousin live with me for the month of August.
I left my job that I'd been at for over 4 years.
I had my grandmother get remarried.
I started a new job in a new city on November 1st.
I started dating a guy who has quickly become and important person to me.
I had my Mom turn 50.
I had Christmas without my brother for the first time in my life.
I had the first day of what will be the next 4 months of living on my own.

I think that's sort of a big year. Happy and sad all in one. Sort of bittersweet. I guess that's life though. Good and bad. Without the bad I wouldn't be able to appreciate all the good.

What will this year hold? What will become of us all? Where will 2006 take us?

Where ever it is, whatever is brings your way, I hope you enjoy it all.

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Date:2005-10-19 23:44
Subject:Falling out of Summer...
Mood: excited

So here I go. Jumping. Ready to go. Life is rushing around. It all seems to be a blur. But this time it's not passing me by. I'm rushing into it.

I'm moving to Ottawa in two weeks.

I can't believe the time is here. A step out on my own. It's scary and exciting all rolled into one big ball.
I feel like I'm getting ready to start a new chapter in my life. It's just hard to close the last chapter. I know nothing lasts forever but I can't help but want to hold on just a little longer.
I know this will be good for me.
Moving forward.
Moving away.
I gotta see what this life has in store for me.

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

-Dixie Chicks

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Date:2005-10-19 22:14
Mood: sad

Maybe I saw it coming. Maybe I knew it would eventually go this way. It still doesn't hurt any less. Maybe it's time for the next chapter. I understand that life moves forward regardless of what it is any of us want. But with all that in mind, it is with sadness and sorrow that I say goodbye to the Tea Party.

With your arms around me
You're singing softly
And I fade from memory
And move on
May nothing harm you
I'm still inside you
With my wings around you

So never put it out my love
The spirit is the flame that burns within
Hold on to me
And it'll all work out fine

Sleep now is descending like a dream
Still I'm shaking from the softness
Of your skin
Hold on to me love
And it'll all be alright
-The Tea Party

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Date:2005-09-14 23:36
Subject:Summer has come and gone...
Mood: indifferent

It's been a busy summer... well busy, but relaxing, and enjoyable. August seems to have passed me by in a blur. I realize I haven't talked to anyone all month. My cousin was here which was nice. I needed that. I've been doing a lot of biking and swimming and now I'm back to hockey. I even got a goal the other night.
I can't really explain where my head is these days. I've felt strange. In a way like I don't fit here or anywhere. LIke I should be happy with what I have and where I'm going. For some reason I just don't feel like that fire that burns inside me and keeps me going is flickering out. Like I'm not sure if I'm taking steps forward or sideways. Like I'm disappointed yet content. I just feel so unsure of everything. I'm afraid to leap in any one direction. I feel tired all the time. Tired of thinking about things I suppose. I guess sometimes you just have visions of what or where or who you want to be and when that isn't happening it is difficult to see outside of your own world.
I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go from here. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing.
I guess we are all trying to find our way...

Am I making something worthwhile out of this place
Am I making something worthwhile out of this chase
I am displaced
-Azure Ray

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Date:2005-06-06 23:36
Mood: relaxed

Somehow this summer isn't what I envisioned. My trip to England was fantastic, however, it seems that since I've been back, it's all been downhill.
I guess I'm looking at things much differently these days. My Aunt passed away recently. Cancer. The only thing that has brought my family to it's knees in sorrow. Again. It was incredibly difficult. I still have a hard time believing that she's gone. I guess I have to believe that I will see her again one day.
I guess that after seeing another part of the world and then coming home to such a difficult situation, it has really put things into perspective for me.
I feel like some of my friends have been somewhat over-dramatic lately. I don't want to hear about who's girlfriend/boyfriend has done what this week. I don't really care if people think I've been a jerk lately by staying home because going to the bar and drinking just doesn't appeal to me. I am not bothered that people don't think I call anymore. I'm just tired of it all.
I know what friendships I need to put my effort into and which ones I don't.
Time sometimes forgets friendships and I guess I'm okay with that because while time forgets some, time also has a way of showing what is true.
What has time taught you?

can you feel my heart beating like a thunder ball?
can you hear every sound i'm making
in the darkness, without breathing
nothing moving, i feel peculiar
-jann arden

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